A trip to Snoresville, provided by the film "Drive"

 Ok, so I've read Ebert's review (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110914/REVIEWS/110919988 ) AND read Rotten Tomatoes (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/drive_2011/) review of the movie Drive, and I can't understand what I'm reading.  No, I haven't been struck by a sudden bout of dyslexia.  Although I wish I had been struck blind while reading all the positive reviews and wished it even more so during the movie .  Of course, by now, I'm sure you get that I didn't like Drive.

The sets, lighting, scenery and costumes were excellent.  The director, Refn, must have thought so as well for all the screen time that the Driver's scorpion-emblazoned jacket garnered.  By the time I left the theater, I couldn't quite make out whether I was watching the promotional look book video of a clothing line, or a movie.  Nah, it couldn't have won that award really, now could it have?

The characters were about as shallow as anything that comes out of the mouth of anyone named Kardashian.  It was a snore-fest.  And all I kept reading in these reviews was how exciting Drive was.  Exciting!?  Driving Miss Daisy had more action.  I think I was awake for all the scenes that didn't invlove Gosling and his co-star Carey Mulligan simply starring at each other.  Then entire time they shared on screen featured approximately 30 seconds of dialogue. 

The Driver's motivations for trying to keep Mulligan and her son out of danger were razor thin.  They hung out a few times and had a picnic.  Wow.  All while Mulligan's mousy, school marm of a character's hubby is scheduled to be getting out of prison in a week.  HUH?  I don't get it but, whatever you say, man.  I swear, when she casually mentions that little fact to her new friend the Driver, I thought I woke up in a different movie.

The Driver, as he has no name (which is kinda cool), more times than not seemed to be slightly autistic.  When asked questions, he stares.  When promted to action, he simply stares.  When introduced to someone, you guessed it; vacuous stare.  When confronted with the classic "the kid's asleep, lets fool around" moment with his female neighbor, with whom he had a picnic, guess what he does then.  Nothing.  Just smile and stare.  I'm falling asleep simply writting this article.

Drive was not without it's good points, as few as there were.  It was visually appealing.  That is all.

It was interesting to see Albert Brooks play a heartless killer.  My mind screams "Albert Brooks" when I think of the phrase "Cold-blooded Killer". 

The obstacles placed in front of our protagonist were a joke at best.  The 3rd act simply begins and ends as easily as turning off a light-switch.  Where is the drama in that?  Nowhere.  Thats where. 

As mentioned earlier, the cinematography was excellent and costume and set design were above average.  So?  Those accolades also describe the virtues of a very well-made music video.  If you are interested in seeing a movie with heart, character and a plot, don't see Drive.  Stay home and watch MTV.  Katy perry's "Firework" might come on, now that you don't wanna miss.

Drive was written by Hossein Amini and directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, starring Ryan Gosling as the eponymous lead.  It is still in theaters, if you like your music videos in 16:9 format.